Harriet and Charlie


Are we the only people who think President Bush's nomination of Harriet Miers to the Supreme Court feels like the Raptors taking Charlie Villanueva with the 7th pick? Yeah, the guy belonged in the first round, but to waste a perfectly good lottery selection?

Talk about drafting for upside. But the president could have easily traded down, stockpiled future nominations, and still got her if he wanted her that badly.

Odds Oddities


This Friday, Al Pacino and Matthew McConaughey hit theatres in "Two for the Money," an edgy look into the seedy underbelly of sports gambling (or more likely, a cliché driven pseudo-thriller with Pacino’s "Hoohah!!!" meter cranked up to a billion, but tomato, tomahto). Brandon Lang (McConaughey), a former college football star with an uncanny knack for picking winners, gets recruited by Walter Abrams (Pacino) to step up and run with sports gambling’s big dogs. Lang’s on top of the world- as indicated by the slicking of his hair- but things eventually spiral out of control, always the outcome when Al Pacino is your mentor. And it got us wondering. It’s one thing to predict point spreads and totals, but what if Brandon Lang had to lay odds on this fall's toughest prop bets? That’s where the true sports experts rise to the top, while the rest just pick USC every week. Here are some of those scenarios, along with some early lines, because even if Lang can't swim with the sharks, we can.



The Prop bet: Ron Artest stars in “Brawl II: The Revenge.”

The logic: Yeah, it’s Ron Artest, but even he must have felt the effects of everything he lost during his 73- game suspension. Lost revenue (around 5 mil). Lost respect from his teammates. Lost clout, as his Defensive Player of the Year title went undefended. With so much at stake this rebound season, there’s no way anyone even remotely sane would screw up again. Unfortunately, it’s Ron Artest. You know at least one knucklehead in the stands will try to provoke a reaction by chucking something at him. Plus, after the disappointing sales of his R&B group Allure’s disc last winter, he has an album of his own material on the way. A little controversy could be the difference between platinum and tin sales. And don’t forget… It’s Ron Artest.

The line: 2.5-1

The Over/Under Bet: The amount of times “That’s just Manny being Manny” will be uttered during the playoffs.

The Logic: Manny’s watched closest when the spotlight is brightest. And it’s not just his annual trade requests or trips into the Green Monster that inspires use of the classic slogan. It could be a dinger to dead center. The celebratory shaking of his dreds after a nasty Wells curveball. Or in reaction to a beer vendor making change for a guy in the left field bleachers. There’s no telling what this slogan owning oddball will do, but you know commentators will pounce at any and every chance to drop a catchphrase. But if Game 1 Tuesday was any indication, they may not have long to use it.

The Line: +/- 5


The Prop Bet: The Heat combusts with too many stars

The Logic: Let’s see. Shaq bitched that he didn’t get the rock enough during the Heat’s Conference Finals exit. The Heat add notoriously mercurial ball hogs ‘Toine and J-Will, and ray-of-sunshine Gary Payton to the roster. What could possibly go wrong? They’re definitely the most dangerous team in the NBA, but to who is still debatable. The moody newcomers have restated old lies that they’ll accept whatever role they’re given, and Shaq says he’ll be the general who keeps everyone in line… like he did during in L.A., when the soliders behaved like Abu Ghraib on spring break. True, Pat Riley is tougher than Mitch Kupchak, Shaq doesn’t seem threatened by D-Wade (yet), and the championship window for many of these guys is shutting. But while this mish mash of personalities gels, San Antonio, Detroit and Indiana will cruise along with last year’s starters. How many ill-timed threes before Shaq starts inventing new ways to say, “Gimme the damn ball!”

The Line: 3-1


The Prop Bet: Kobe and Phil sing “Kumbaya.”

The Logic: A year ago “Girl’s Night Out” with Jennifer and Angelina seemed more likely. But the last 365 days have been busy. Kobe’s been humbled, Phil’s had a year to reflect (or at least evaluate the difficulties of maintaining a long distance relationship) and both can redeem and reinvent themselves by making this partnership prosper. But the road to paradise has potholes. Odom has seemed out of place in Lakerland. Kwame Brown has more question marks than The Riddler. Smush Parker’s on the roster. This doesn’t exactly decrease the chances of Kobe going into takeover mode five minutes into a game. And sheer curiosity might eventually prompt #8 to read Phil’s book, meaning an empty can and worms everywhere. Hopefully, admiration of Phil’s sense of story structure will offset the anger, and there’s always the pride of being the central character in a bestseller.

The line: Even money


The Prop Bet: Darko will average 15 mpg

The Logic: Larry Brown’s gone, Flip plays younger guys, and Dumars must be anxious to justify the most controversial pick since the Seinfeld when Jerry’s girlfriend saw him with a finger alongside his nose. Teammates swear by Darko, the Pistons could use a deeper rotation and he’s played decent overseas this summer. Seriously, how bad could the guy be? But will increased minutes ruin a solid team dynamic? Darko’s already cemented his status as Detroit’s human victory cigar (“We’ve beaten you down so bad we can put Blondie in.”). Fans are more excited watching him during garbage time than winning free Chalupas. Plus, over two minutes of poor play on any given night kills the “upside” factor in his trade value. If the brass knows he’s not up to snuff, they’ll pull him the second he shows a flash of brilliance, creating a very high mystery quotient– Which could help them sucker prospective suitors/Isiah Thomas. Hey, how else could the Wizards move Kwame Brown?

The Line: 4-1


The Prop bet: Tiger’s new-do lasts a year.

The logic: It’s never easy to use the words “logic” and “spotted hair” in the same sentence, but we’ll give it a shot. Tiger’s explanation on his official website reads: “It’s my idea. I have to do it while I still got it, before it does the moon walk all the way off.” Dude, if you wanna make something sound normal, Jacko references are a bad call. While a clever, self-effacing way to admit the onset of baldness, there must be a more dignified way to cope than styling your hair like your nickname. And Tiger is nothing if not level headed. He ain’t filming Buick spots looking like an ousted member of Green Day, or slip on his next green jacket wearing a hat to cover the indignities of his dome. And all the candles, wine and Barry White in the world won’t get the lovely Elin in the mood when your head looks like the Bengals uniforms… only uglier. The easiest odds Brandon Lang would ever set.

The Line: 50-1


The Prop Bet: Eli tosses more TD’s than Peyton

The Logic: Sounds crazy to even fathom, but as we speak, Eli’s up by three. Peyton has only one way to go after last year, and nobody could blame Eli if he was itching for some props of his own. Plus, he’s teamed with Tiki, running extra hard to conquer insane, raging jealousy over his twin brother’s Super Bowl ring (total speculation on our part), and Plax, seeking to shut the pieholes of cynics claiming that Hines Ward created his success (Probably not speculation). On the flip side, Peyton’s more polished, gets on scary rolls, and has Harrison, Wayne, and Edge at his disposal. And with a chance to crush the now-reeling Pats, one can only imagine how many TD’s he’ll shoot for in Week 9 after two years of calling them his daddies.

The Line: 6-1


The Prop Bet: George Steinbrenner will stab Yanks GM Brian Cashman with a fork before November.

The Logic: A-Rod, The Unit, Sheff, Giambi, Moose, and Rivera give the Yankees a galaxy of stars. If the big guns come through, the pinstripes might accomplish what television executives are praying for: sneak out of Anaheim, destroy the Sox (preferably Red) in the ALCS, then cruise to a World Series title. Of course, think of all the good players that could scuttle their hopes. Vladdy, Big Papi, Konerko, Manny, Colon, Buhrle, and Varitek, to name a few. All guys The Boss will conclude should have been on his roster. Put aside payroll issues, roster restrictions, and that most weren’t remotely available. The point is they’re good, and not Yankees. That could mean some sharp tines in Cashman’s eye.

The Line: 3-1


The Over/Under Bet: Daunte Culpepper, interceptions for the season.

The Logic: Heading into his bye week, the Vikings star QB has tossed 10 interceptions. That’s a 40 pick pace. Most NFL pundits spent the summer talking about the exit of the hair, bong, and exceptional downfield skills of Randy Moss and the defensive additions of Sam Cowart, Napoleon Harris, Darren Sharper and Co. Apparently they neglected to notice Culpepper channeling his inner Tim Rattay. He’s achieved the Holy Trinity of Int’s: Overthrowing, underthrowing, and tossing into triple coverage. The week off should help the bum knee, but will it help the bum OL and bum decision making?

The Line: +/- 24


The Over/Under Bet: The New York Rangers, wins

The Logic: The Good News? Hockey is back. The bad news? It brought the Rangers with it. The phrase, “Ladies and Gentlemen, starting in goal, Kevin Weekes!” means the Rangers are in for tough times. How tough? The defense isn’t all that big, although that should be compensated for by their lack of speed. The vets after Jaromir Jagr are brittle (Martin Straka) or used (Martin Rucinsky) and the youngsters are under whelming. New cap rules mean they can’t even throw money at the problem (one of the entertaining sideshows of the “old” NHL). No wonder Mark Messier hung ‘em up.

The Line: +/- 27


The Prop Bet: Gary Hogeboom will win “Survivor: Guatemala.”

The Logic: PRO: the former Cowboy/Colt/Cardinal logged 10 years in the NFL, competing against some of the best athletes the world. CON: Unless there’s a clipboard carrying competition this season that may not matter much, since most of those seasons were as a backup. PRO: He was the 1979 MAC Offensive Player of the Year. That’s worth at least one immunity idol. CON: He played a season for the Phoenix Cardinals and that loser stink never really washes off. PRO: If someone on the tribe asks, “How would Tom Landry handle this problem?” he’ll know. CON: If someone asks, “How would Gene Stallings handle this problem?” he’ll know that, too.

The Line: 5-1


The Over/Under Bet: The Houston Texans, losses

The Logic: It’s nearly impossible to lose all 16 games in a season. Yeah, it can happen, but if the ‘04 Niners can win 2, surely the ’05 Texans can win at least one. Then again, Houston’s OL gives David Carr less protection than a moth-eaten condom, Andre Johnson has disappeared like Chumbawumba, and their defense wouldn’t get drafted in a 31 team fantasy league. The 1952 Dallas Texans have as much of a shot as these guys to make the playoffs, but throwing a goose egg? Hey, stranger things have happened.

The Line: +/- 16


The Prop Bet: Your World Series Champion San Diego Padres!

The Logic: Finishing two games over .500 in the worst division in baseball history? An anemic batting order where nobody has over 20 homers? Having Jake Peavy break a rib celebrating the division clinching victory, then get shelled by the Cards in Game 1, before being declared out for the rest of the postseason? All part of a master plan to lull the baseball world into a false sense of security… To feast on their unsuspecting victims! It’ll all become clear in Thursday’s Game 2, when Pedro Astacio will show the true spirit of Padres baseball. Just to be safe, keep the kids away from the television.

The Line: 45-1


The Prop Bet: Your World Series MVP, Chan Ho Park!

The Logic: Let’s not get crazy, here.

The Line: 1,000,000-1.